How my bad luck did come in threes

Chronology of an epic downfall #2

You could call me an entrepreneur-personality, always thinking positive and searching for ways to make the world a better place.
I also never thought of giving up and long before knowing about it thought in terms of the law of attraction – that thinking positive does attract alike.

As an example: After
1.) Having been kicked out of the USA, and
2.) discovered that my TCM-diploma did not count in Germany, I instantly invented a Moxa-pyramid but did not have the energy to follow up on a production – bright mind, but non-consistent energy.

I also was the kind of guy who always gave everything – having always loved movies, you could have put me into any movie-project (as pretty much anything) and like the stars I would have worked my ass of up to my limits, because I always did believe that you succeed if you go the extra mile, the sluggish masses aren’t willing to invest.
To show you how dedicated I was to put my full heart into any mission, I tell you a story:

A friend, who still lived in New York knew an MTV-director called Markus Nispel, who at times (when MTV still did play music clips fulltime) did direct 45 minutes of one hour MTV. He then became a Hollywood-director and had the chance of doing the movie “end of days” with Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose winning-attitude I admired.

‘Normal’ people would not even think about grasping so high and stick to their small world, but because I always was striving to thrive, you can imagine how excited I did jump to that occasion and persuaded my friend to give my demo to Nispel. As soon as he agreed I got myself an old Atari computer which I used as a sequencer.

Because the movie was supposed to be about Satan in NYC, I composed
1. first something really sinister,
2. then a second track with movie-like sound-effects:
3. and to show that I was capable, also a very beautiful song
4. (which was a remake an old saxophone-song of mine)
You can listen to all 4 tracks in a row here if you simply let the player play

(Btw. I did play and compose everything myself – you can stop after track 4)

Then I borrowed a video player from my parents and did record all Schwarzenegger movies I could borrow in the video-store (without even being able to watch them, because I had no TV).
I did record and cut hundreds of his phrases onto a minidisk player,
wrote a script from then, sampled them, and then did put together a funny fake-interview with Schwarzenegger, which you can listen to here:

Overall I worked for 3 months for at least for 16 hours every day if not more: Got up, jumped to the equipment, got myself a pizza, continued, and in the evening went to a nearby pub for an hour to often continue further afterwards.

And then the tragedy happened:

The old Atari I got from a friend broke down and as it turned out, beforehand had overwrite all 4 security copies I made with ones and zeros, so the entire music was lost !!!

And when I went to the pub to tell people my tragedy, those rednecks simply nodded non-empathically, because they had no idea how it is to ‘give it all’ and pour your entire heart-blood into something for 3 months. (Not even to mention the loss of a heaven I nearly grasped, because I SO MUCH would have wanted to get back to the USA straight away.)

Just so that you understand why you can hear those lost tracks now:
In my desperation I convinced my parents to sponsor a tiny home-studio, bought an Apple and a sequencer-keyboard, which took ages, because I had no experiences with computers and had to research everything.
Then I did reconstruct all those abstract songs out of my head,
but by the time I was finished with it all, it turned out that the director had canceled his contract with Hollywood because the studios didn’t want to put up the money for his desired special effects.

When telling local friends about it, I could literally sense that they felt that I was crazy for even having tried to put a foot into Hollywood. Such is the energy of the small-minded local people in my hometown: They watch you in anticipation whether you are going to make it, but if you fail, they smirk priggish.

This was the third major blow to my ambitions.
{and the path was about to spiral down further}ca

{You will find the previous and follow up stories in the menu under
>bio->karmic lessons}

#1999, #career-blow, #chronology-of-an-epic-downfall, #downfall, #failure, #hollywood, #markus-nispel, #music, #schwarzenegger

my first resolution and dilemma about my manhood

Like anybody, I also am a conglomerate of the different energies I did inherit from my ancestors.

I was told that my great grandfather used to be a kind of jack of all trades who (way ahead of his times) 100 years ago drew up two organic foods for goats, made ballet shoes for the theatre Freiburg, and also had a shoe shop at the most beautiful part of town which in war (due to lack of water) he had to watch to burn down without being able to extinguish it.

There must be some truth to the astrological saying that if someone’s ascendent (the direction one walks to) is a gemini (a person who has many interests), the then one of their parents also seem to be a gemini: My grandfather, father (who was a gemini) and myself also were were similar versatile, and my ascendent is also gemini.

Even though he was totally poor, my grandfather was very intelligent, sensitive, and had many talents – in the second world war he had to get food for the army (he claimed to have done that to avoid to have to shoot humans), he was a great cook (it took him an entire day to cook his legendary Christmas duck), was very musical, taught himself to play a little bit piano, was very versatile in many crafts, could play chess very well (always was beating my father, who always was winning against me in chess), and was reading books from different cultures, few of his time did read – from the secret power of the Jesuits up to the Bhagavad Gita.

~~~

I think in evolution there is a dynamic that energies swing from one side to another, because my grandfather, in opposition to my grandmother, was the sensitive one, my father then the fighter, and me again extremely emotional.

My grandmother was a very simple woman – whilst my grandfather was a bear, she was tiny, thin, always frantically running around, but despite her frail appearance had a choleric trade, who hit my sister and me on occasion with our trouser suspenders. Because I had no understanding of anger as a child, when they were arguing, it often looked really funny to me, because my “Opa” reminded me of Obelix, and my “Oma” of Asterix.

In reconstruction one can’t blame her, who was of the lowest class – a farm laborer, for her character trade, because she was raised by a classic “evil stepmother” who supposedly did purposely put hair in her soup.
Somehow she even had very simple and naive rules which somehow are wisdoms I still do remember, such as “you can’t serve two lords”, meaning in her mind that one can’t serve the devil and god, and even though I don’t believe in Satan, I think in spiritual terms she did have a point, when juxtaposing low consciousness greed against a higher mind of serenity.

As it is the case with unresolved issues, they are past on to the children, so she at times left her baby – my father who was raised as a single child – sitting at the toilet for up to four hours, so you can imagine him having had his issues also.

~ ~ ~

In post WW2 Germany, everything was bombed, so my father, who was just 3 years old when the war started, was used to have to work really hard for everything in his life: He had to help to help everywhere, due to war-issues had to change schools 15 times (which did turn the small but strong guy into a lone fighter), studied very hard to become a sports- German- and history-teacher, later created a totally new kind of job which combined school with theatre, and had a passionate side which did inspire and amuse many.

But he also inherited the choleric trade from my grandmother, which despite him having been a warm-hearted dad who was really good in teaching us kids things, at times turned him into a moody tyrant at home, so that our mother, after he came out of his daily naps, often warned us to hide somewhere in order to avoid slaps in the face.

But even on his moody days, in society he played always the great and funny guy, so as soon as visitors came, he was the most hospital guy ever – only to instantly treat us harsh again, as soon as they left.
This is why I got a sixth sense for the dominance of many revered stars and even spiritual teachers and see right through their veil of image cultivation (as you could see in my critical articles about Yogi Bhajan – the only person btw, I criticise by name, because he is dead, and I am not out to hurt living ones).

I then made my first unspoken life-resolution:
Never become as dominant as my father
and give as much space to others as possible.

This, however turned out to become a difficult endeavour, because (besides his emotive affection for dogs) I also did inherit his strong marsian fire of on one hand being able to make people laugh a lot and on the other hand having a potential for being really furious.

So I was set up for the first dilemma of my life –
wanting to suppress an inherited energy, which is a literally inherent part of me.
On one hand, if I dismiss my propensity for aggression, I might become a tyrant,
but on the other hand, if I succeed, I end up literally emasculated.

To avoid this catch-22 situation, in school I usually turned into the class clown in order to compensate my frustration with the education system in humorous sarcasm without getting into fights.

So whenever you see people who fail to fulfil societies requirements of contributing to the national gross income, are homeless, or make a fool out of themselves, remember that such childhood-imprints could be one of the reasons for it.

#ancestors, #choleric, #failure, #family-and-relatives, #father, #grandparents, #mars, #parents, #resolution, #sanquine