Chronology of an epic downfall

Whenever you look for spirituality on the web you usually find positive and affirmative messages advertising spirituality by telling us how it is the solution to all our problems, makes us healthier or guarantees us the blessings of a higher force.

Tons of followers of like-minded blogs or spiritual leaders throw their admiration and money towards the successful and beautiful ones; in the hope of getting universal brownie points back;
but secretly each of those followers are secretly suffering from a sense of insignificance which crept into their lifes, since they subscribed to principles of perfection, only people who were spoiled throughout their life can actually fulfil.

In other words: spirituality initially makes our life miserable due to first have to face ones discrepancies,
and thereafter for shouldering the compensation of the lack in ethics or sensitivity of the majority of mankind.
This is why spiritual inclined sensitive people are often laughed upon by ruthless perpetrators who regardless of the consequences take what their ego tells them to.

So by sacrificing my own reputation I want to start a longterm series of articles which in detail describes how despite the best of intentions, great talents and positive character trades ones’ life can spiral down in epic proportions, not only without seeing any rewards of a good Karma,
but instead accumulating more negative Karma of becoming a marginalised, being laughed at,
and thereafter becoming an enemy and therewith burden to society.

The rise before the fall

Having been born to a choleric father and a dreamy mother I learned how to transform anger or address criticism in a way that it reached both sides: with humour and a profound sense for harmony.

From my Kindergarden age I had a talent of creating a harmonious relationship with other kids and when playing in the sandbox I did always make sure that everyone was treated fair and with consideration.

Due to the nonsensical pressure of high school, which doesn’t care about people, but conditions them to become obedient and competitive working machines – combined with the added pressure of my parents – a nervousness start to arise which at times made me burst out in anger, which did lead to the occasional school-fight,.
But thereafter my anger never became physical again and only released itself verbally – unfortunately occasionally still up to this day.

The first conceptional encounter with spirituality was in the form most people do encounter it – through religion –
and the first time I was emotionally touched in a spiritual way was through music.

Whilst I couldn’t relate to the simple minded musical hits my parents listened to, they did enable me to learn classical voice education, the piano, church-organ, the clarinet and later when I discovered the blues (which did reflect my own blues with society), I also learned the drums, a tiny bit of base and did end up playing tenor, alto and soprano saxophones.

In my teens I did learn to know a 30 year old jazz fan who did educate me into the mysteries of this strange sounding music, and how complex and sensitive it was.
This, together with observing his much more serene lifestyle than that of my frantic monkey-mind-parents (who often did change talking-subjects about 5-6 times per minute), made me want to aspire to become a musician.

A key-milestone in my life was the spontaneous insight on a way back home from school wanting to become something really big – either in a spiritual way (and my archetypal image for it was a wise man in a desert),
or something glamorous (in the form of something shiny, like the blinking skyline of a city with its stylish metallic designer furniture).

In retrospect I can explain it as a result of what in TCM is called “the HUN” or my Jupiter north node. Those both are basically the abstract aspects of mere spirituality (without it being linked to ethics, a healthy lifestyle, or other current misconceptions).

This did set me on a path of first pursuing my career in the field of my passion – to become a musician, including all the trades associated with it: Artistic creativity, the ego of wanting to become famous, the profound need to convey deeper emotions to others in order to shed light on their yet non-explored hidden corners of their soul, and the longing to travel the world in order to experience as many cultures as possible.

One of my craziest times in my life were after I moved out of my parent’s place where I first led a life of parties, met the most eccentric people, and with the help of all kinds of drugs I could get my hands on, released my so far suppressed life-force by producing a full audio-cassette of own songs in which I did play all instruments myself. You can listen to the songs here or purchase them as a double-CD.

Because the surroundings of my middle-sized conservative hometown in the black forest were to restrictive for me, I straight away afterwards moved to Berlin to gain some large-city-experience; and after having been disappointed about the aggression (which might have been a reflection of it having still been surrounded by the suppressive East-Germany),
just after the Berlin-wall fell, I moved to London to experience the diversity of a cosmopolitan city and learn English – the language which nearly made me having to repeat an entire school-year, because I was the worst in my class.

After two years of playing in many sessions – (at times I was the only white musician of an all Jamaican band in the midst of an all black audience),
my focus from a worldly career did shift towards spirituality by spontaneously choosing to study traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) and doing a lot of Kung Fu, where I was loved by the whole huge community for being so open hearted and having a great sense of humour.

In the Kungfu System Jews celebrated in parties thrown by Muslims, blacks drank in Irish pubs, the Chinese master invited all of us Westerners for lunch.
In a way it was like a heaven of culturally diversity and tolerance.

This certainly was one of my brightest moments in my life, because under the favourable circumstances of a supportive environment combined with sensitive caring people,
many spiritual talents previous unknown to me suddenly popped up out of the blue. To give you a few examples:

At the time I was so shy to physical touch that once a voluptuous woman who stroke my belly whilst she sat on top of me, did inadvertently tickle me, so that my extreme flinching did catapult her right over my head – only to land with her nose at the head of the bed.

So when I was asked to massage in my half-term Tuina and Swedish massage exam the woman did take me out, only to teach me that touch was more important than to do it academically right.

Six months later in college, I was about to massage a female fellow student of mine and to center the person we were supposed to hold our hands over their heart chakra – for women they told us to do it on the back to avoid having to touch her breast, but because I did miss that part, I did it on the back and front of her which she didn’t mind, because we were fellow students.

Somehow I could sense us connecting deeply, so I stood with this process. After 20 minutes (when all the others already long went into their lunch break), I started to visualise as if I was in the total dark abyss of her soul – at a point where she felt totally alone.
Then my soul-search intuitively turned around from listening to her to giving her the message that I here here and am there for her.

She then went on to her own lunch-break and came back flooding with tears, because she finally felt someone being there at the very moment when she was left alone by her original parents, before she was adopted by new foster-parents. This didn’t stop for the entire day.
The massage teacher just said to me that I really did come a long way.

It was a bit like dragging her out of her desert in The movie The Final Frontier:

Around that time I had similar experiences, like an acupuncture-patient of mine who was cold inside.
Normally one can warm the patient by burning a hot herb called Moxa over the belly, but since it was a hot day, I did put my hand on her belly to transform to her some of my energy – something I recently had done to a fellow student, who afterwards felt warm for 3 weeks.

To my surprise images of her sitting as a child with a white dress on a swing came up, and that she at the time was very lonely.
So I did tell her that after the treatment and she instantly started to cry, telling me that she was very sad because her boyfriend did split up with her.
I then thought that my archetypal image must have been of a wrong timing, but when I told her that I saw her as a kid, she went on and told me that she actually was most sad in her life when her sister died – around the age of 6 or 7.


Please don’t take this as bragging – I merely want to convey to you how everything was set up for the most successful life one could have:

Not only was I lucky to have had middle-class parents who could finance my education and came out of the privileged minority of white male first worlders, but
I also was about to get my TCM-Diploma, was 6ft tall and strong (could do 80 pushups), had an IQ of 138, was musically talented, able to write well, had a lot of humour, and got on with all people alike, regardless of race, gender or age.

So this will be the story of how and foremost why in life, despite the best of luck, things can spiral down into an unforeseeable abyss.

Hopefully readers might learn from my story to understand how not previous bad deeds (as Abrahamic religions dogmatize),
but own misconceptions are the source of karmic problems;
and why it is best to dissolve subconscious issues by the means of spiritual methods such as introspection, contemplation, meditation, yoga, or other methods, before a disillusioned bitternes (literally) digs one’s own grave.

Next article: The destruction of my american dream >

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