my first resolution and dilemma about my manhood

Like anybody, I also am a conglomerate of the different energies I did inherit from my ancestors.

I was told that my great grandfather used to be a kind of jack of all trades who (way ahead of his times) 100 years ago drew up two organic foods for goats, made ballet shoes for the theatre Freiburg, and also had a shoe shop at the most beautiful part of town which in war (due to lack of water) he had to watch to burn down without being able to extinguish it.

There must be some truth to the astrological saying that if someone’s ascendent (the direction one walks to) is a gemini (a person who has many interests), the then one of their parents also seem to be a gemini: My grandfather, father (who was a gemini) and myself also were were similar versatile, and my ascendent is also gemini.

Even though he was totally poor, my grandfather was very intelligent, sensitive, and had many talents – in the second world war he had to get food for the army (he claimed to have done that to avoid to have to shoot humans), he was a great cook (it took him an entire day to cook his legendary Christmas duck), was very musical, taught himself to play a little bit piano, was very versatile in many crafts, could play chess very well (always was beating my father, who always was winning against me in chess), and was reading books from different cultures, few of his time did read – from the secret power of the Jesuits up to the Bhagavad Gita.

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I think in evolution there is a dynamic that energies swing from one side to another, because my grandfather, in opposition to my grandmother, was the sensitive one, my father then the fighter, and me again extremely emotional.

My grandmother was a very simple woman – whilst my grandfather was a bear, she was tiny, thin, always frantically running around, but despite her frail appearance had a choleric trade, who hit my sister and me on occasion with our trouser suspenders. Because I had no understanding of anger as a child, when they were arguing, it often looked really funny to me, because my “Opa” reminded me of Obelix, and my “Oma” of Asterix.

In reconstruction one can’t blame her, who was of the lowest class – a farm laborer, for her character trade, because she was raised by a classic “evil stepmother” who supposedly did purposely put hair in her soup.
Somehow she even had very simple and naive rules which somehow are wisdoms I still do remember, such as “you can’t serve two lords”, meaning in her mind that one can’t serve the devil and god, and even though I don’t believe in Satan, I think in spiritual terms she did have a point, when juxtaposing low consciousness greed against a higher mind of serenity.

As it is the case with unresolved issues, they are past on to the children, so she at times left her baby – my father who was raised as a single child – sitting at the toilet for up to four hours, so you can imagine him having had his issues also.

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In post WW2 Germany, everything was bombed, so my father, who was just 3 years old when the war started, was used to have to work really hard for everything in his life: He had to help to help everywhere, due to war-issues had to change schools 15 times (which did turn the small but strong guy into a lone fighter), studied very hard to become a sports- German- and history-teacher, later created a totally new kind of job which combined school with theatre, and had a passionate side which did inspire and amuse many.

But he also inherited the choleric trade from my grandmother, which despite him having been a warm-hearted dad who was really good in teaching us kids things, at times turned him into a moody tyrant at home, so that our mother, after he came out of his daily naps, often warned us to hide somewhere in order to avoid slaps in the face.

But even on his moody days, in society he played always the great and funny guy, so as soon as visitors came, he was the most hospital guy ever – only to instantly treat us harsh again, as soon as they left.
This is why I got a sixth sense for the dominance of many revered stars and even spiritual teachers and see right through their veil of image cultivation (as you could see in my critical articles about Yogi Bhajan – the only person btw, I criticise by name, because he is dead, and I am not out to hurt living ones).

I then made my first unspoken life-resolution:
Never become as dominant as my father
and give as much space to others as possible.

This, however turned out to become a difficult endeavour, because (besides his emotive affection for dogs) I also did inherit his strong marsian fire of on one hand being able to make people laugh a lot and on the other hand having a potential for being really furious.

So I was set up for the first dilemma of my life –
wanting to suppress an inherited energy, which is a literally inherent part of me.
On one hand, if I dismiss my propensity for aggression, I might become a tyrant,
but on the other hand, if I succeed, I end up literally emasculated.

To avoid this catch-22 situation, in school I usually turned into the class clown in order to compensate my frustration with the education system in humorous sarcasm without getting into fights.

So whenever you see people who fail to fulfil societies requirements of contributing to the national gross income, are homeless, or make a fool out of themselves, remember that such childhood-imprints could be one of the reasons for it.

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